I was recently watching a video snippet of someone talking about being let go from a contract. They said they hadn’t seen it coming, were deeply impacted, and had a shaky voice in the telling.
From time to time, life presents these kinds of moments – unexpected events with real-world consequences:
- A job is lost.
- A friend pulls away.
- Someone judges or misinterprets our intentions.
These experiences activate primal feelings of fear and threat. Our brains shift into self-protection mode. We close down. Our openness, curiosity, and compassion shrink. That’s biology.
But something else happens, too: our language changes. In an activated state, we often speak with more judgment:
- “I was totally disrespected; they treated me badly. ”
- “They shouldn’t have done that; it’s their fault.”
- “They don’t care; they’re just not caring people.”
These aren’t actually feelings. It seems so as our bodies are activated in the voicing of the words and in the telling of the story. We are definitely having bodily sensations (which we have ascribed feeling words to).
This might seem like splitting hairs – and – it’s not. When we understand that what sounds like feelings are actually judgments, evaluations, interpretations of behaviours, we gain breathing space, we gain freedom, we gain new perspectives.
Judging other people’s behaviours as bad is the way most of us talk. We are spewing out our judgments though the stories we’ve wrapped around the raw data of our experience and the other’s actions.
And here’s the kicker: when we use evaluative language, we often make it less likely the other person will listen. That’s a key point. Evaluative language erodes and corrodes trust, connection, understanding, relationship.
That’s the paradox. The more emotionally charged and judgmental our words, the more likely we’ll be defended against or misunderstood. It’s when we describe what happened using objective, behaviour-based language that the chances go up significantly that we’ll be heard.
In the 8-step Difficult Conversations model I teach, one of the core practices is learning to separate observations from evaluations. It’s foundational. And it’s not just in this model. This concept is echoed in Non-Violent Communication, Landmark Education, Clear Leadership, and Sherod-Miller’s Communication method (to name a few of the big players).
This skill is foundational. It’s effective. It’s powerful.
And it isn’t about being “nice” or conflict-avoidant. It’s about regaining power and influence in moments that matter.
Let’s ground this concept by taking an example of a word that can seem like a behaviour. That word is respect. Respect is an important and meaningful concept for many people and cultures.
What respect looks like behaviourally however varies widely between people and cultures. Language is a limited communication methodology.
When someone says, “I felt disrespected,” we assume we know what behaviours are being talked about yet we often don’t get that far. We each have a mental file of examples of what those behaviours are and we are each in our own bubble. The listener often doesn’t know what the other person actually means. The feelings can be felt (mad, sad, afraid).
Saying something like “I feel disrespected” (that has an “ed” at the end of the word) – is also implying someone did something intentionally “to” you. There’s an element of blame which evokes shame which closes off connection and meaningful dialogue.
There is a communication theory called “Wallen’s Interpersonal Gap” that helps here. Wallen discovered that when people communicate, their intentions are hidden unless expressed. And, the impact of someone’s behaviour on us, is also hidden unless expressed.
The only thing we can see (and even then we don’t necessarily agree) – is behaviour.
This hidden quality of intentions and impact, creates a gap between what was meant and what was received (hence: Wallen’s Interpersonal Gap). If we can believe that the other person might not know the impact they had, that gives us a choice:
Do we want to let them know? And, if so, we would presumably want them to actually hear the impact.
That’s where behaviour-focused language becomes powerful. Instead of saying, “You disrespected me and treated me like you didn’t care” you might say “When I was told my contract is ending before our agreed-upon date, I was concerned about whether I understood what we agreed to. I’m not sure the impact was visible, and it’s important for me to let you know about that as well.”
This might sound like beating around the bush. Yet, why would blaming, moralizing, and judging another person’s behaviour be considered direct? Can’t we just directly express the behaviour we saw (or heard) and the impact on us?
If I express something by judging the other person and shaming them, the chances of my communication landing with them, are close to zero and the chances of damaging the relationship shoot up exponentially. Yet so many people seem to think other people will come around by feeling ashamed of their own behaviour. We are never villains in our own movies. This is not a solid way to influence.
So I’m vigilant about this distinction. Speak about behaviours and keep out moralizing about behaviours. This can preserves dignity, which helps keep them in the conversation so that they can be influenced. Be hard on the problem, soft on the person.
Clarity like this isn’t just kind. It’s effective. Speaking in observable, behavioural terms helps you cut through defensiveness and increases the chance your message will land.
So if you’re navigating something difficult and want to be heard, slow down. Get curious. Notice your own language. And ask yourself:
- Am I describing what happened – with behaviours and facts?
- Or am I evaluating and blaming and telling a story about what happened?
The clearer you speak, the more power you gain. This is not about power over someone else, but power with: the power to influence, to be heard, and to stay in connection even when emotions run high.
It’s not easy. But it’s a skill. And like all skills, it gets stronger with practice.
To our connections!
Warmly,
