I hear this a lot in my work: “That person is just resistant to change.” It’s usually followed by how that person is: stubborn, difficult, stuck.
But what if resistance isn’t a character flaw? What if resistance is logical and protective and a self-regulatory function? What if resistance does not reside within one person but is due to a mismatch in nervous system approaches?
When we can stop seeing resistance as the failure of someone to change, we open up a new avenue. Our behaviour shifts from pushing harder – to becoming curious.
When we’re curious, we can ask the classic and powerful question:
“What needs might be under this resistance?”
The psychologist E. Tory Higgins came up with a way of thinking about how people see change – he calls it regulatory focus theory. He affirms that people approach change in only one of two ways depending on how they are regulating themselves.
At any given time, we are either wanting to:
- Move toward gains and possibilities. He calls that a “Promotion” focus.
- Move away from risks and loss. He calls that a “Prevention” focus.
Both of these approaches might seem familiar to you. We move toward something we want or we move away from something we don’t want.
Higgins’ tells us that both approaches can feel threatened, trying to protect something. A Promotion focus is trying to protect a sense of potential and growth. A Prevention focus is trying to protect a sense of safety and stability.
Once you can see that both approaches could be feeling threatened by something they are both trying to protect, this is where regulatory focus theory shines.
It tells us that the resistance we feel is coming from a mismatch in approaches, both stuck. One is afraid of losing the possibility in the future, the other is afraid of losing the goodness in the present.
Understanding this can radically transform how you approach resistance in any difficult conversation about change, whether at work, at home, or in your community.
It’s no longer about the other person being resistant but the tension that naturally arises between differing needs. The gift in this theory is it that it offers a simple way to navigate the resistance.
Promotion vs. Prevention Focus
Let’s take this further by looking at the two approaches in a bit more detail:
1. Promotion Focus – Playing to Win – Promotion-focused people are energized by possibility. They respond to language like:
- “What could you gain?”
- “This is an opportunity.”
- “Imagine what’s possible.”
- “This is your chance to grow.”
They move toward change when they see the upside. They want the change and can even thrive on it.
2. Prevention Focus — Playing to Not Lose – Prevention-focused people are motivated by safety, responsibility, and protecting what matters. They respond to language like:
- “What are you afraid of losing here?”
- “How do we protect what’s already been built?”
- “What makes this feel risky and what could make this feel less risky?”
- “What would help you feel steady and secure in this situation?”
They move toward change when they feel safe. It’s not that they will never change, they require their needs to be acknowledged and addressed first.
When Opportunity Sounds Like Danger
Let’s now take a scenario many can relate to: an adult child talking with their parent about a potential move.
Imagine your mother is turning 80; she’s highly independent and on her own. You’re the adult child, energetic and future-oriented. You live out of town, and you both would love for her to move closer by.
The problem starts as you talk about the topic. Notice this pattern – as it can show up in any change: personal, work, community. The son focuses on the benefits of the potential change:
- “There will be a built-in community here and more activities!”
- “It’ll be easier for you, and we’ll be closer.”
- “This is a great opportunity.”
From a promotion-focused perspective, this makes perfect sense.
From a prevention-focused perspective, however, the brain doesn’t hear the benefits; it hears threat:
- Loss of autonomy
- Loss of routine
- Loss of identity
- Uncertain safety.
So, the mother’s distress isn’t stubbornness or a character flaw – it’s a protective response to be acknowledged and attended to.
The more one pushes, the more the power struggle kicks in and entrenches. Even if we ease off and wait, threat activation has happened. The nervous system is jangled, and without addressing the needs, there is that stuck feeling.
When we think it’s because of the other person, we lose the opportunity to approach things differently. Instead, everyone is stuck: One pushes or stops, the other retreats.
Stalemate.
What a Prevention-Focused Brain Needs
To reduce threat and engage a prevention-focused person, leaders (or anyone!) need to shift the conversation. Here are some ideas:
1. Think: Safety Before Vision
Before talking about the benefits, acknowledge and speak to emotional safety:
- “What could help make this feel more comfortable for you?”
- “What do you need to feel steady with this possibility?”
- “How do we make sure nothing important gets lost?”
2. Look Through a Frame of Needs
Each approach has underlying needs. Get curious about what the underlying needs are.
3. Give the Other Control and Participation
Have the conversation. See the other person not as the problem but as someone with nervous system regulatory needs. Your situations will be unique to you. The general idea is to focus more on reducing the threat to create the conditions for cooperation.
The Conflict Beneath the Conflict
To summarize, what we label as “resistance to change” is often a mismatch in motivational language:
- Promotion language: “Let’s move toward something better.”
- Prevention language: “Let’s make sure nothing important is lost.”
If we speak only to our own orientation, we deepen conflict. If we speak to the other’s orientation, we reduce threat and increase the likelihood of movement.
A Different Conversation
All of a sudden, we are in a whole new conversation. Instead of trying to convince the other person of the validity of the change, we are engaged in an inquiry to uncover underlying needs.
Sometimes, the most powerful shift in a conversation isn’t new information – it’s a new frame. Before your next change conversation, ask yourself: Am I speaking to their nervous system – or just my own?
Of course, like all theories, this is a simplification of human motivation, including how we each can be in a promotion or prevention state on different topics or in different frames of mind. Someone isn’t “all” prevention or “all” promotion either.
Even so, having a sense of how you and others orient towards self-regulation in the face of change is a helpful tool in navigating the complex terrain of collaborative relationships.
I hope you find something here that helps you with shifting any resistance to change you are facing in yourself or with others.
If so, I always love to hear.
Warmly,
