After working in the field of conflict for over 25 years, one of the most heartbreaking patterns I see starts in the smallest of ways.
It begins with a moment, one of those tiny instances between you and someone you care about:
- Maybe it’s a small omission. A white lie.
- Maybe you avoid saying something because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.
- Or maybe you worry that speaking up could rock the boat. You’ve seen relationships -professional or personal – falter when conflict surfaces. Why risk it?
- Or perhaps you convince yourself t’s not important enough to mention.
- A resignation of “Nothing would change anyway.”
Whatever the rationale, that’s the moment the wedge begins.
In the language of conflict theory, we call this a pinch. It’s a subtle moment of tension, often barely perceptible. A colleague of mine calls it a dot. These small moments carry weight – they are the early indicators of relational drift.
Yet, these small pinches can be an opportunity point, instead of the start of disconnection.
It is much easier to engage in a constructive conversation when the issue is still small, before a single pinch becomes a pattern of distance, before dots form a gulf. When left unaddressed, these moments accumulate. They build tension inside of us like an invisible wall and eventually, that buildup results in what we call a crunch.
Just today, one of my guests in the LEAP program (for collaborative leaders) said:
“I’ve been working in the field of human rights, workplace investigations, harassment and discrimination, complaints resolution pretty much my whole career – so going on about 25 years now. So all I deal with, all day every day, is complaints. And a lot of the complaints that we receive are situations that started off as conflict, that if they had been addressed early on, probably could have been mitigated from evolving into a place of a formal complaint.”
In Pinch Theory, a crunch happens when small unresolved tensions (pinches) accumulate to the point where the relationship no longer feels workable. Crunches can look like:
- a blow-up (e.g., yelling, slamming doors, swearing, blaming the other person)
- a shutdown (e.g., going silent mid-conversation, staring into space, emotionally going numb, no conversations of depth or substance)
- or a withdrawal (e.g., leaving the room without explanation, avoiding conversations, cancelling plans without discussion).
You know you’re probably at that crunch point when you don’t even want to have the conversation anymore – when the distance is starting to feel too large to bridge.
The truth is, repair is harder at the crunch stage, sometimes impossible.
Whenever I bring this up teaching my Difficult Conversations course, there are many nods of recognition. Who hasn’t noticed how little things can build up when left unaddressed.
Yet, many of us don’t bring things up when they are small, for lots of reasons, many of them sound like risks (that can not be mitigated as they become assumptions in our minds, not to be challenged).
So, where do we find the motivation – the imperative – to bring up what feels small? To start the conversation?
For leaders in the workplace, this is not optional. If you are in a position of influence, it is your responsibility to create a safe container where differences can surface and be transformed in healthy, respectful ways. Leadership means being both conflict-aware and conflict-competent.
This imperative applies just as much to those of us in partnerships, friendships or family systems.
Yet, it’s not that simple, or we’d be jumping into those pinch conversations readily and easily. The stakes can feel high. The risks, or even just the energy to engage required, can feel daunting.
One tool that can get you somewhere significant fast is to do a Risk/Benefit Assessment on the conversation – from your point of view and the other person’s. That one tool, which we teach in the Difficult Conversations course, has helped many people get the clarity they need to decide whether it’s worth preparing for the conversation.
We need to help our brains move out of the rut of thinking there is no point in bringing up the conversation because that way lies ennui, status quo, stagnation.
It is important to shift our thinking so that we can reflect not only on the risks of bringing up the conversation, but also on the potential benefits. Most of us stop at the risks. End of story. So the conflict stays cold, unresolved and quite frankly – festering. When we feel the stakes are high, we tend to retreat into protective behaviors. Our primitive brain and subconscious patterns usually take over.
So, if you’re hesitating to bring something up, pause and reflect on these questions from the Risk/Benefit Assessment:
- If you don’t bring this up, what could the cost to you be? Stretch your imagination here, what are the risks to you of not bringing this up? What are you losing out on?
- What could be the benefit to you of risking bringing this up? You may need to stretch your imagination here too. Stick with it. Why bother investing the energy in having the conversation? What’s truly at stake here?
- What might be the cost to the other person if you don’t bring it up? Sometimes they can feel something is off, but they don’t know what so they build up their story about what is happening – missing your point of view and vice versa.
- What could be at risk for the other to have this conversation with you? What might they be afraid of?
- How might the other person benefit from engaging in this conversation?
If you notice the start of some reasons why it might be useful to have the conversation:
- Find your courage.
- Take the time to prepare for the conversation.
- Trust the process.
Clear up the pinch. Because, guess what? It won’t just go away. I know – because people like me often get called in once the pinches have accumulated into a crunch. So has my colleague who I quoted above.
If you’re still not sure if you should have the conversation, try this quick jjournaling exercise:
On a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle to create two columns. Label the top left column: “Risks to me” and the top right column: “Benefits to me.” Then draw a horizontal line across the middle of the page. Beneath that line, label the left box: “Risks to them” and the right box: “Benefits to them.”
You now have four quadrants. Fill them in.
What you’re looking for is your motivation – your juice. Your North Star Statement. The reasons this conversation matters to you, to the other person and possibly to others impacted who surround you in community.
You are fostering inspiration to help you move beyond the quicksand of the status quo.
Small tensions don’t go away on their own – they either get resolved or they get stored. So, start small. Pause. Grab that piece of paper and pen. Reflect.
I do this exercise in my workshops and it’s fascinating what people discover.
I’d love to know if you do this exercise and if so, what you find out!
Warmly,
