“The quality of our lives depends not on whether or not we have conflicts,
but on how we respond to them.” … Thomas Crum, The Magic of Conflict
One theme I come across time and again in my work as a leadership coach and conflict consultant is: people avoid conflict.
This phenomenon isn’t unique to you, or to me, or to any one group or organization. It’s everywhere. It’s natural, sometimes necessary, and even laudatory at times.
We avoid difficult conversations for a whole host of reasons, including:
- not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings or damage a relationship or trust
- needing time to reflect
- wanting to protect our own energy for other priorities or for our own self-calm.
We also often think the problem might also just go away or resolve on its own. How many times have you heard: “Just give it some time.” or “It’s not worth the effort.”
Here’s the paradox: Although there can be wisdom in waiting, avoiding conversations that are important can also make things worse.
Miscommunications can harden and the gulf between people can grow deeper and less appealing to bridge. Or, perhaps the information you have, and are holding back, might be exactly what is needed for someone else to make sense of something or to make a more informed decision about an action they are considering.
A helpful concept is that intention and impact are both hidden from view, so they must be shared for someone else to know about them. People don’t know your reality unless you tell them. Without information, we only have our own story-making (and our negativity bias often makes the story worse than the reality).
With all of these down-sides to waiting, the eventual conversation, if started at all, becomes harder and harder than it needs to be. The risks of it not going well build up as we wait.
A friend shared a story recently that illustrates why we don’t want to have these conversations. It was about a company owner who had an issue building up with his second-in-command. No surprise, he was not talking directly to the person about it.
At a certain point, the owner decided he could hold back no longer. He’d been waiting a while and didn’t go in with a plan. His tensions had been underground and playing in his mind for so long that the conversation was neither warm nor connected. The owner reportedly showed his “worst side” in the conversation and the consequence was that over the following year, the relationship was perceived as damaged beyond repair, and the valued employee ultimately left.
Stories like this highlight why people avoid difficult conversations: fear of conflict, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of meeting a less than flattering side of ourselves. We can keep playing the risks in our mind and stay small.
But here’s the key: even if we lose our cool or reveal our “worst side,” – repair is also possible – and essential. Thoughtful follow-up is part of starting a difficult conversation and can help restore trust and prevent long-term damage. So, spending time thinking about what some of the benefits could be of bringing up the conversation, is good medicine.
Here are some tips for how to see a difficult conversation through:
1. Find the Courage: Adopt the belief that waiting doesn’t usually make a problem go away – that avoiding often makes issues worse. Notice if this is true in your life. Have you noticed if waiting can result in “Fight” energy building up – where the worst reactions emerge. Or have you noticed that waiting can mean stewing in the “Flight” energy, where you avoid for so long that you lose the desire for the relationship altogether. I don’t mean a deliberate, thoughtful step back – but a stress-driven avoidance simply out of discomfort, leaving issues unresolved and the relationship stagnant or damaged. Consider the benefits of bringing up a conversation, not just the risks. It’s easy to stay in fear. Stretch your mind – find your resolve. Call on courage.
2. Consistently Follow Up: Acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step. It’s a very important step and – not the last step. Be deliberate about following up consistently, to open up more options for how to proceed. One conversation about an important topic is rarely enough; check back in, clarify expectations, and course-correct as you go along. If you only have one “good” conversation, then drop the topic, trust can erode as the topic itself remains unresolved.
3. Cultivate Your Best Selves: Hard conversations are not about your worst side. They are, ideally, honest and kind – not emotionally destructive. It’s not always possible to get through hard conversations without some feelings, and, we want to aim for calm and kind going in. If we mess up, we can circle back and repair.. That’s important too. The right kind of preparation can also help make those conversations become opportunities for innovative new solutions (that’s what my whole course on Difficult Conversations is about!).
Conflict is unavoidable. Let’s make engaging with it in a constructive way unavoidable as well.
Yes, it takes energy – and – with courage, consistency, and a willingness to cultivate our better selves, even the hardest conversations can foster growth – for relationships, teams, and organizations alike.
I not only believe that, I know that from my own experiences and watching others over the decades as a conflict alchemist. Avoidance may feel easier in the moment, but thoughtful action and consistent follow-through open the door to new possibilities.
To your growth, and richer, more abundant relationships!
