I was on a walk with a friend recently when she said something that has stayed with me. She said:
“If I could tattoo one phrase onto my body, it would be: Compassion, then wisdom.”
This is a pretty emphatic statement coming from someone who is a strong communicator. So, I noticed it and coded it as something important to pay attention to.
My friend had offered this whimsical thought as a reinforcement to what I was talking about. I was sharing about how a key step in my Difficult Conversations 8-step model can stand alone as something you can pull out at any time in a conversation and that is Step 4 of the 8 step model:
Step 4: Establish Connection.
I say this because I recently heard from a graduate of the Difficult Conversations course who said:
“I have not had to prepare for a DC since the course (yet!) so I have not used your framework. I feel like so many of the DCs are spontaneous and so I am struggling to pull up techniques/tools on the fly.”
I am passionate about people being able to pull out bite-sized pieces from the course. The 8 step model is not only for times that you might need to prepare for a difficult conversations but they have hidden within them principles and techniques that can be used on the fly as well.
Step 4: Establish Connection is about how to open a conversation or a meeting or a presentation. It’s about bringing intentionality to how we start. We want to connect, limbic brain to limbic brain, as a way to make a wifi connection between our brains. Otherwise, it’s kind of like Teflon (or a lack of a wifi signal). No real meaningful, or heartfelt contact.
When my friend shared her tattoo vision, it struck me: this idea of leading with something that opens our hearts before we move to our thoughts is exactly what we’re trying to do when we lead, influence, or step into a hard conversation.
Compassion, then wisdom.
I am highlighting this point because, if you’re like many of the leaders I work with, you probably have a belief that goes something like this:
“If they just understand what I understand… this would go better.”
You gather your data. You organize your points. You lead with logic. You attempt to make your argument to persuade and influence.
You want to lead with wisdom. It makes sense. “They” are missing information.
Yet, this is also where things tend to go off track, and we don’t even know it.
In the world of conflict and influence, there’s a phrase we use a lot:
Win yourself a hearing.
Not win the argument. Not prove your point. Win yourself a hearing.
That idea deepened for me recently when I came across the work of Rob D Willis, sent to me by another newsletter reader! Rob studies the most celebrated TED Talk communicators. He was speaking about someone whose talk received the longest standing ovation in TED history (Bryan Stevenson).
It wasn’t the data that did engaged his audience. It wasn’t his argument.
What Stevenson did first was connect to the room.
Before he asked people to think differently, he helped them feel something. He opened with appreciation. He told a story. He shared parts of himself. He created a sense of shared humanity.
Only then did the audience become fully available to hear what he had to say.
Connect, then communicate.
That same principle shows up in the work of marital therapists like John Gottman, who say: We need to connect before we communicate. That is:
Step 4: Establish Connection.
How does this apply to you?
As you think about an important conversation, meeting, or presentation, consider this:
Instead of thinking about opening with your concerns or your own point of view, what if you prepared for and opened with one of these:
- Share the reason you want to have the conversation – a kind of “north star” statement that can feel somewhat lofty and even inspiring.
- Let the other person know what you value about them, or the organization, with a heartfelt comment.
- Lead with what is a higher purpose for the conversation.
A colleague of mine, Gordon White, used to do this beautifully. When he wanted to give me feedback on a project, he’d begin with: “I know how much we both value getting better and better at our craft…”
That caught my attention – and, quite frankly, my heart. Whatever he was going to say after that was something I could get behind. And I did.
This isn’t about manipulation.
It’s about intention.
Here are some heart-opening questions to consider:
- What is your best intention for the conversation, meeting, or presentation?
- What is the emotional tone you want to set?
- What kind of emotions do you want to bring to others?
Because whether we acknowledge it or not, emotions are already in the room.
In many workplaces, we act as if they don’t exist. We default to logic, structure, and data – as if that’s what drives human behaviour.
We are emotional beings first. Just think about the last time someone cut you off in traffic or in a conversation. How rational was your physiological reaction?
Emotions are the powerful elephants that our conscious prefrontal cortices are perched on top of.
Yes, we can engage our prefrontal cortex. But if we want to truly influence, we need to lead with the emotional tone we want to set. We need to speak to the emotional brain. Elephant to elephant.
Compassion, then wisdom.
Connect, then communicate.
Step 4: Establish Connection – as the start of your communication.
This is foundational interest-based, collaborative negotiation:
Win yourself a hearing.
And everything you’ve worked so hard to prepare has a place to land.
As Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA School of Medicine and the founder of the field of interpersonal neurobiology, teaches us:
“Feeling felt is what allows the brain to relax and be open to new possibilities.”
As always, I hope you feel something new or inspiring here for you.
I learn so much when I hear from you!
Warmly,
