For a long time, I’ve been enamoured of a book by Bill Ury called The Third Side: Why We Fight and How We Can Stop. So much so, I wrote a whole summary of the book
(available here).
The book details Ury’s experiences visiting and studying peace cultures. One of the Big Ideas has to do with how peace-oriented communities view conflict between two or more people within their community.
Surprising to most of us – when two people are in conflict, the whole community gets involved. But it’s not what you might think.
In our culture, people take sides. For example, I was just talking with a new-to-me Human Resources person recently who told me about this often-repeated dynamic:
Two people on a team had some tensions. Eventually, as the tensions continued, “Person A” went to others on the team to complain about “Person B.” As Person A complained to others, her team mates rallied around her such that there was now “Team Person A.”
As you can probably guess, Person B also complained about Person A. So, Person B’s friends and colleagues did what we do in this culture. His complaints served to rally the troops around him such that there was now “Team Person B.”
Does that sound familiar? You’ve got your closest friends agreeing with you and your point of view, and you can be sure that the other person has their people agreeing with their view of reality.
In many dominant cultures around the world, this is the behaviour we are socialized to expect from our friends: “You are hurting, so I am going to be for you and against the other person. That’s how I show support.”
Yet, in peace-oriented cultures, talking about each other looks very different. Because, when two people are in tension, in a peace-oriented culture, the others “run and hide the spears.”
Such community members take dynamic and active roles in trying to help the parties resolve the tensions. They may help Person A to feel more compassion towards Person B. They would equally try to help Person B feel more compassion for Person A.
They might attempt to slow things down, to gently step in to cool the emotional heat. That could look like reminding each person of the value they bring to the community, or naming the ways the other person has been a help in the past. They might offer a calming presence, a cup of tea, or a quiet walk to help someone self-regulate.
In some cultures, including many Indigenous ones, people with moral authority such as elders, aunties, and respected peers, will simply stand nearby. Their grounded presence alone helps settle nervous systems. A community member might redirect attention, share a small joke, or create a light moment to help people shift out of the emotionally activated place those in conflict are probably in.
The intention with community members in a peace-oriented culture is always the same:
Keep the relationships intact enough for the conflict to be worked through, not weaponized. And perhaps the most striking part is this: no one is trying to join either person’s “side.”
Instead, community members intend to join the side of the relationship. They join the side of the village. They join the side of peace.
This stands in contrast with our dominant cultural expectation that “support” means making winners and losers. In peace-oriented cultures, support means doing what you can to help two people find their way back to seeing each other as human, worthy, and connected.
It’s an entirely different model of community.
A Simple Team Exercise: Our Community Responds
If you’re curious about how to bring this idea of peace cultures into your team or organization in a small way, here’s a short exercise you can do. It works beautifully in circles, team meetings, or even one-to-one conversations.
Step 1: Name the Default Pattern
Before you find your own team getting too far along in conflicts that can divide you, ask your team: “When we’ve got a difference of opinion about something or any kind of tension, what is each of our usual response’? Do we avoid & hope it’ll take care of itself?”
Let people surface the honest norm, and without blame. It’s already a courageous act just to bring up the topic. Bringing up a topic signals a doorway that can be opened. Shall we enter in?
Step 2: Introduce the Peace-Culture Alternative
Share this idea: “In peace-oriented cultures, when there are tensions amongst any in the community, the whole group sees it as their job to help any tensions resolve . People don’t take sides but they don’t ignore conversations that could help. Community members don’t inflame and they don’t ignore.”
Feel free to offer to send along this blog – or the article I listed above on Third Side cultures (here it is again).
Step 3: Ask 3 Guiding Questions
Invite each person to reflect on a few questions – either together or with time beforehand to consider their answers. It could be these 3 questions or just one of them or something you create. The important thing is to explore how you might want to surface and engage any differences in your community (believe me, they exist!).
Questions to consider:
- What does it look like to “run and hide the spears” for us, in our context?
(What are the metaphorical weapons we could put away — avoiding talking about it, side-talking to other team members, quick judgments without curiosity?)
- What supportive roles could community members play?
(Witness, connector, calm presence, someone who checks in privately with both parties?)
- What do I personally feel capable of doing if and when tensions arises with anyone who is part of our team, group, community?
(One small action that feels genuine and doable?)
Step 4: Harvest a Shared “Village Agreement”
Create a short list – 3 to 5 commitments maximum – of what your team wants to do when a rub (or “pinch”) might happen. These agreements could be things like:
- We don’t take sides; we support the relationship.
- We slow down and listen before forming opinions.
- We check in with people privately, but not to reinforce grievance – to support clarity and calm.
- We don’t spread conflict stories; we guide them toward resolution.
- We seek help early rather than letting tensions harden.
Step 5: Post It and Revisit It
This becomes a living agreement — something your team can return to in moments of stress, as a reminder that you are intentionally choosing the side of the village.
The simple ask of bringing this topic up, especially when the relations are still harmonious, starts the conversation up. This in and of itself is nourishing to community. It doesn’t have to result in some formal document (in fact, probably best if it’s not a heavy, formal feel).
Talking about such things before tensions accumulate is what is important.
Conflict exists. We can choose to ignore it or we can help each other respond with equanimity, compassion, and collective wisdom.
Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.
